Ponceland

 2/28/23 I don't know why I didn't write yesterday since there was so much to write about. Can't change that now, a new day arrives. It would be beneficial if I used it to my advantage. We were finally able to play what practiced for a few weeks yesterday. There's only one problem, we didn't get to play everything we prepared. What's worse is that we screwed up the synchronization. It went well in the later part, but everything was riddled with technical difficulties. Could be our worst performance yet. Let this be a lesson for us. In any case, if this may be the worst performance, the next performances are only going to be better. We had our batch picture yesterday. They seemed to care less about me not having a uniform. Last time they made me find a uniform that would fit me.  Every section sat down in their respective places, our section was in the front. Other sections that didn't fit were placed to the sides. I sat dead center. I was in the middle of it...

 2/26/23 I forgot to write yesterday. Not exactly forget but more of, "Nothing really interesting happened yesterday."  I'm sure I could have written something because the greatest writers could have written about anything and it would still be good. But I didn't feel like anything would be interesting. I want to write about more mundane experiences, something so boring people who read it would feel the same boredom. Do you understand how hard it is to create something nice? To sit before your work and fail, and fail, and fail. My hands are covered with small cuts of which I do not know the origin, as if the act of writing gives them injuries. I haven't created anything good in over a month, just pure dead air. I've trailed myself through a depressive sequence from which nothing good could come out. I think I see the other side. Had dance practice for PE today. I was a horrible groupmate. I kept on looking at my phone and chatting away with my friends when my ...

 2/24/23 I had a misunderstanding with my friend today. It was messy. It was mostly my fault though, instead of apologizing immediately I had to be a snob about it and made myself look intelligent. The simplest thing to say was "I'm sorry." Yet it took me a few minutes to get it out of me. No use crying about it now, I apologized and if they don't forgive me for what I did, all is well.  -- I find it so frustrating how I keep forgetting my dreams the second I wake up. The most I remember is a dream happening. It's atleast progress for the most part, before I forget I had a dream in the first place.  Do I have to make myself remember it? How do I even do that? The moment I wake up, do I try to recall every important detail? I'll try doing that tomorrow.  -- I recently got interested in jazz-funk after watching church bands jam. It's the type of music that even if you weren't a Christian nor an active churchgoer you'd still want to go to church just ...

I feel immense joy. It would be right if I wrote it all down. I feel involved with many things, I don't know what will happen next.  I barely have any time for myself because I'm spending so much time with my friends, I don't suppose that's the worst thing in the world. The more I get to spend time with them, when I ever get time to myself I get to write the time I spent with them.  We had our class picture today, everyone did their best to look good. After all, this would be kept forever for you to possibly look back on. I can't exactly blame them for wanting to look good especially during a day like this. I sit here and realize that this is my last year in this school. I only had two class pictures the entire time I was here, it's sad I won't get to see how I've grown during the time I studied here. At the very least I get to seee how much I've improved. I get to see this deranged child, turn into more or less the same thing. I don't really hav...

Happy one year anniversary to Donda by Kanye West!  I have a hard time remembering dreams, does lack of sleep have anything to do with it? I haven't slept a proper 8 hours for a while, this could be the cause of my death but that's not my biggest concern. I want to remember my dreams so I can write about them in my blog. In all seriousness I should atleast try to sleep earlier, not only for the dreams but to atleast be well rested. I'll try my best to remember one detail from my dream tonight. -- Lunch at school today was surprisingly not as bad at it usually was. It's like after I went to Caloocan High, Caloocan Science High felt they had to one up them. As soon as I took a bite, I didn't go to flavortown or anything. I felt a pleasant surprise. After months of decent food in the canteen, we finally get more-than-decent food for once. I know I sound like a spoiled brat here, but eating isn't really a fun time when the food doesn't meet your standards. I apo...

Okay, in my defense, I was very busy. I didn't have any time to think because of everything that's going on. On the days I do have time I'm really tired and sitting down makes me fall asleep. Today is the final day of exhaustion, atleast for a while. Congratulations! So it goes! So it goes, a few days sneak beneath your feet.  It's been a busy month. I've done a live performance, another one to come next monday. The first one was in Caloocan High School. An art exhibit was going on, we were invited to play in the school's booth, with me on the piano, two of my friends on the violin, and the other on a cello. My friends and I didn't have classes for two days, which sounds fun the first time you hear it. But once the thought sets in, you realize you have missed A LOT. I have so much to catch up on, absurd considering I was gone for two days.  We have this math test tomorrow. Very difficult situation to be in. The thought of the test stresses me out to no end. ...

A continuation of yesterday. The lizard told me this: "Love is something hard to truly address, it lives so intertwined within life. But the moment that I felt the most love for the world was the day that eating a mango brought me from a depressive state that I was drowning in for months & back into the realization that the world is filled with nothing but beauty. Love is something that you'll turn over in your head for the rest of your life, lest you get complacent. Because love is everything. It's the way we learn about each other, about the world, about ourselves. You have been to the ocean before, yes? Did you spend a lot of time in the water? Remember the way it felt leaving the ocean and sitting on the shore, but the motion of the current was still in your body? You could feel the push and pull of the water even though you were no longer there within it? It's that feeling." -- I often forget that love isn't for romance only. I tend to avoid romance b...

I talked to my favourite lizard last night, I asked him what his understanding about love is. "Love is a perfect, ripe mango eaten in the afternoon sunlight." he told me. Alot of what he tells me is very cryptic and very hard to decipher, but I don't ask him to elaborate upon it so I guess the fault is mostly mine. But maybe figuring it out is my job for me to look at the world better. After all, he's the reason I started writing in the first place. He wrote a poem, it went like this: "a locker filled with dead butterflies, pinned and displayed beneath glass. lying beneath a body. removing the bricks out from under my feet. if this is the way i love, why do i feel so--" He writes without capital letters and he says it has a couple functions for him. He says that it keeps the tone of the writing, no matter how technical it gets, he likes to keep it casual. He says that when he writes he treats it like a message, so the voice that comes out is purely his. Stic...

I'm tired.  I feel like if I close my eyes for atleast 5 seconds I'd fall asleep instantly. My legs feel disconnected from my body, is this what the "manananggal" feels every night? I respect them even more now. The time is currently 9:10PM, I will sleep after I write this. I don't have the power to stay awake for a few minutes longer. I don't even know how I have the energy to write this, my dedication for this goal of mine is too strong. Writing for long periods of time tires me out, I really feel out of shape. It used to be that I could write for hours and hours on end (though producing anything of quality is another story entirely). I hope I can get back to it soon. I feel myself getting irritable, I keep checking my Facebook page for no new engagement. I should get up and walk around, but my legs won't allow me. I have to get up 8 hours from now, it would be best for me to sleep now. I hope I get to sleep now. I'll write about today tomorrow. Goo...

 2/13/23 I barely got any sleep today. I almost fell asleep during class, but the thought of free time being close helped me stay awake. Trying to keep your focus on staying awake while trying to pay attention in class is nearly impossible. I try to stay awake, I don't understand anything happening in front. I try paying attention to the lecture, I space out. Sleep is a necessity. Atleast I get to sleep well tonight. I'll try waking up as early as I did today so I can get to class early (maybe catch up on sleep there). Good evening reader, another set of weekdays are upon us. I don't know if you look at the date before you read these entries, but it has been 2 weeks since February has started. Valentine's Day is tomorrow, many will spend their time with their significant other, while the rest (including me) will spend their time all by themselves. Time with yourself has never been this arbitrary. Every other day it felt fine for me to be alone, doing what I usually do, ...

 2/12/23 I took a walk today, it was quiet given it was a Sunday. Not much cars on the road which made it exceptionally safe to walk on.  On my walk I encountered a group of friends, one was looking at their phone and screamed after receiving what I assume was a text from someone they liked. The others screamed in unison with him, must have been a big deal. One friend was saying something to the friend group. He was unnoticed and I couldn't help but feel bad but whatever, it was none of my business and I just continued my stroll.  I saw a car ridden with dust. On the car, I saw drawings of penises from dust. And me being the immature teenager I am, contributed to the dust-penis cluster. Forgive me for being so crude and dirty. I decided to stop by a 7-11 and when I got to the door, a young girl that was sitting down jumped up and opened the door, she looked about 3 years younger than me. I felt bad, she really didn't have to open the door but it was like if she didn't ope...

 2.10.23 I had a dream the other night: There was this girl I used to crush on, we were on a date in a mall. SM Grand Central if I remember correctly.  The dream begins with us already in the mall with me walking and watching the girl running around like a child on a Christmas morning, like it's her first time there. She was running and pointing at things that interested her, it was adorable to say the least. After that we ate, (I don't remember what we ate), after eating she went back to her playful running around the mall until she got tired.  She asked me to carry her on my back, a piggy back ride. I carry her, walk around for a few minutes then the dream ends.  I don't remember the specific things that happened during the dream, all I remember is what happened during it and it counts for something. All I remember is waking up with a sad expression on my face, pointed out by my younger brother. This happened to me the night before the exams, I'm associating it wit...

 2/3/23 This school year has been particularly tiring. A myriad of work, swarms of people, insecurities. The days flash by quicker than a cheetah wearing nikes. Today, the final stretch of the first semester, we cleaned our classroom. It looked uncanny given that we were very used to a dirty classroom ridden with dust and broken chairs, so seeing this new and improved cleaned room was definitely a surprise.  It hasn't been a year since we've been here yet it feels most of us have made history in this simple room. 5 more months we're moving up, hopefully without succumbing to death, but I feel like that's an exaggeration. I write all of this down to remember. There will come a time where I will only remember the feeling of everything and not experience it the same way. I guess that's fine, only looking at the past without moving forward won't do anything beneficial to your progress. Tomorrow our semestral break starts, only lasting a week. I have no particular pl...