2/17/23

A continuation of yesterday. The lizard told me this:

"Love is something hard to truly address, it lives so intertwined within life. But the moment that I felt the most love for the world was the day that eating a mango brought me from a depressive state that I was drowning in for months & back into the realization that the world is filled with nothing but beauty. Love is something that you'll turn over in your head for the rest of your life, lest you get complacent. Because love is everything. It's the way we learn about each other, about the world, about ourselves.


You have been to the ocean before, yes? Did you spend a lot of time in the water?

Remember the way it felt leaving the ocean and sitting on the shore, but the motion of the current was still in your body? You could feel the push and pull of the water even though you were no longer there within it?

It's that feeling."


--


I often forget that love isn't for romance only. I tend to avoid romance because it's all around me. I don't like the fact that people take it so seriously especially at a young age but why do I care so much, they're living their lives while I'm judging them for how they live it. The naive feeling of imagining a forever with someone you met in high school then that "immortal love" is torn by some higher power that says that you shouldn't be together forever, but they provide no explanation. It's depressing, it's lonely, it's many other descriptors you can think of. But to have experienced it when you're young is such a nice thing to have.


I often find myself feeling lonely. After all, estrangement in loneliness is not a foreign concept to me. Not loneliness because of a lack of family, my parents and siblings support me. Not loneliness because of the lack of friends, they're all good people to me. Loneliness because of the lack of a partner. I want someone to spend time with even though I tell myself that romance isn't a healthy thing to fantasize about. 


I realize now that if I need a partner to fill the hole for my loneliness, I don't deserve a partner. That only means I'm going to depend on them and not have a life on my own. I realize now that I must find myself further before I can say that I can be on my own.


I'm sorry for burdening you with my feelings about romance, if it seems like I've dragged through this essay I apologize. But I'm grateful that you dragged yourself to read this too.


The worst thing you could POSSIBLY do to yourself is overintellectualize what love is. It's a simple concept, complicating this simple concept will only bring burden to you. 


Love is, after all, in the feeling and not in the mind.

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